Throne of Glass: Chapter 16


I just skimmed through my first several recaps and was surprised to see I was much lighter-handed with the cursing and the all-capsing then than I am now. I mean, sure, I’d noticed deepening indentation on my desk where I’ve been bashing my face, and the pits of despair that were once my eyes, but I hadn’t realized this book was affecting my language so much.

At this rate my recaps will soon devolve into incoherence, when my headdesking becomes headcomputering and I’m too far gone in my rage to notice.

Anyway.

Previously on Throne of Glass, Flawless Heroine Celaena flawlessly passes the first Test.

Note: all direct quotes are either in bold or block-quotes. If something’s in quotation marks but not bold, it’s paraphrased snark.


Chapter Index

CHAPTER 16

Three days later, Chaol clips on Celaena’s leash and takes her out for another run, which—not for the first or even second time—results in her “legs buckling” and fountains of vomit.

I probably should’ve taken a moment in the earlier chapters to point out that you’re doing physical training terribly horribly wrong.

While Celaena’s stomach’s considering a few more heaves, Chaol decides it’s a fine time to ask about the scars on her back (visible through her white, sweat-soaked shirt). She goes all dark-and-broody and tells him how she was whipped twenty-one times on her first day in the mines.

“That was before I had befriended any of the other slaves—and I spent the first night wondering if I would make it until morning, if my back would become infected, or if I would bleed out and die before I knew what was happening.”

Whoa, hold on. She made friends? 

First: I’m 100% unconvinced that this girl’s capable of making friends. Maybe she just misspoke, and actually meant to say “That was before I had an opportunity to determine which slaves were gullible enough to use for my own benefit”?

Second: why has she never thought or spoken about having friends in the mines before? Sure, she’d referenced an unknown quantity of saintly slaves who’d sacrificed themselves to tend her wounds, but she never indicated that they were her friends.

Chaol then gently asks if the guards had ever raped her, and thank goodness her answer is no; the remainder of this post would’ve consisted entirely of capslocked swearing if she’d said yes, and I’m trying to tone that shit down.

Celaena then privately wonders if “perhaps somehow [King of Assassins] Arobynn had bribed the guards in Endovier for her safety.” If so, he needs his money back; wasn’t it Celaena’s own badassness that let her survive for so long in the mines? Wait, no, she also said that the king demanded that she be kept alive as long as possible, so—oh, but after that she claimed that only the inhumanly compassionate care of her maybe-friends kept her alive.

Celaena then briefly puzzles over “the softness in the look he gave her,” and the scene ends.

Lest Celaena’s vomit-spree make readers question her abilities, the book hastens to inform us that, “[t]he following afternoon, the Champions stood gathered around [Weapons Master] Brullo, who lectured them on different weapons and other nonsense she’d learned years ago and didn’t need to hear again.”

But hey, look! My tired rant about her boring perfection is forestalled by actual action! A random Champion makes a bolt for the exit, and immediately sprouts an arrow through his throat. That was . . . less exciting than I’d expected.

Celaena wonders if he realized he wouldn’t win, so committed suicide-by-archers to avoid being sent back to whatever (presumed) hellhole his sponsor dug him out of. She decides the guy wanted to make a point, that point being:

Adarlan could take their freedom, it could destroy their lives and beat and break and whip them, it could force them into ridiculous contests, but, criminal or not, they were still human. Dying—rather than playing in the king’s game–was the only choice left to him.

I think this book’s having an identity crisis; having already committed to being America’s Next Top Model, it wants in on that dark and gruesome Hunger Games action.

Remember: these people were NOT dehumanized and forced to play “in the king’s game.”

Remember: this is an opt-in competition between carefully-selected (willing!) participants, who (figuratively) signed a contract to live in a house together and learn about smizing killing stuff and compete in a bunch of little mini contests until only the most photogenic deadly remained. At which point all the other competitors would be sent home/back to prison.

The book makes a grim spectacle of this random Champion’s suicide-by-archers, and seems to expect the reader to be horrified. But, uh. These aren’t Hunger Games, and I’m not horrified.

CHAPTER TALLIES

We’re told Celaena’s A Total Badass: 2

Celaena proves she’s A Total Badass: 0

Celaena would’ve smized if she knew how: 2

I’m glad we don’t have to read descriptions of Celaena smizing.

< PREVIOUS CHAPTER —  NEXT CHAPTER >

CHAPTER INDEX


12 thoughts on “Throne of Glass: Chapter 16

  1. I haven’t read this book yet, so I have no idea what’s going on, but you did fill me in on Celaena being a total brat. Well, maybe brat is too nice of a word. Diva, drama queen, shallow… I guess it’s one of those take your pick sort of things. I’m really hitting the pause button on this one, but I am wondering what makes her so unlikable. That seems to be the general consensus among the bloggers. I love that you mention ANTM and the Hunger Games in the same sentence. That’s so hilarious. I so love reading your posts! 🙂 So is Celaena like Katniss and Tyra put together? Here’s the thing though. I love Tyra and Katniss, so I’m trying to think of someone who would really annoy me and put them together instead. Hmm…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah, “brat” is very mild. I do make a very helpful list of character traits for her in my recaps for chapters one and two, if you feel like looking those up. The list is, uh, long. Even in the first chapter.

      ANTM, hell yes. I used to watch obsessively, but fell off that wagon a few years ago. I miss it.

      Eh, Celaena’s not a Tyra/Katniss mix; it’s more that the situation of the book (a competition to find The World’s Best Assassin) is like ANTM with a dash of Hunger Games. If Celaena had some Tyra and Katniss in her, I’d definitely like her better!

      But yeah. List of Celaena-traits in my chapter one recap. There whenever you want to refer to it. =)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I used to watch Tryra like crazy. She’s always been my favorite model. I admit I stopped watching a few years ago around the time I stopped with Project Runway. That’s another one of my guilty pleasures. 🙂 I miss Tyra, too. She’s another one of my spirit twins. Even without reading it, Celaena doesn’t sound like she has one ounce of Tyra’s fierceness in her. And Katniss, at least to me, is on a whole other playing field than most YA characters. I loved her from the very first chapter. She’s cranky and kinda snarky, but I just loved every second of it. World’s Best Assassin contest does sound fun. But is it realistic? Is this girl applying another coat of lipstick or wearing heels or anything crazy while she’s doing all this? That’s what I’m imaging in my head. That’s probably way off, but my mind keeps traveling to bitchy Cinderella with a sword for some reason.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s hard to find YA characters with just the right amount of crankiness and snarkiness; so many go overboard.

        Ahaha, no, the World’s Best Assassin contest is the opposite of realistic. But at least she wears sensible clothes (no heels) during training and the Tests! So it could be worse, for sure.

        Yeah, I’m still confused about the Cinderella thing. Maybe it’ll all become clear by the end of the book. *Hopeful.*

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Let’s see how I feel at the end of this one, first–and see if people like my snarks enough to continue reading them! I’m planning to read C.C. Hunter’s Born at Midnight for my next read-along, and if that goes well enough (and anyone wants me to try ToG’s sequel), I’ll give it a go. 🙂

        Like

  2. Thank you so much for these! They are hilarious. I bought all four books on discount, because everyone loved them so much. And I regret it so much. I disliked the first book soooooo much, but because everyone raves about it so much I guess I missed something. So I gave the second one a go too, which was a little bit better, but still not very good. Reading your posts takes me back to reading it, cause I was thinking exactly the same things :p

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re more than welcome! I’m glad to sacrifice my time and sanity to bring you a more enjoyable ToG reading experience. Sorry I came too late to save your wallet, though; it’s awful, buying a bunch of books only to discover they weren’t worth the price. Did you ever get around to reading the third and fourth book?

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “At this rate my recaps will soon devolve into incoherence, when my headdesking becomes headcomputering and I’m too far gone in my rage to notice.” ahahahaI want to see that happen, does it make me a bad person? If so, I can live with that!
    WHERE IS PROOF OF CEALENA BEING A BADASS? I want to see it, not be told over and over again! UGH!

    Liked by 1 person

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