Throne of Glass: Chapter 55


Previously on Throne of Glass, Celaena and Chaol flirt. Later, Fae Queen Elena tells Celaena exactly how super-special she is.

Note: all direct quotes are either in bold or block-quotes. If something’s in quotation marks but not bold, it’s paraphrased snark.


Chapter Index

CHAPTER 55

THIS IS IT, YOU GUYS. THE FINAL CHAPTER.

After days of twiddling her thumbs and smugging over her own awesomeness (probably), Celaena has been summoned to sign the contract that’ll bind her as the King’s Champion for the next four years. She’s over-the-top terrified of the king, as usual, so the prose gets ridiculous, as usual; the king’s “voice made her bones splinter,” etc. Yes, yes, let’s hurry it up.

How can such a beastly man possess this sort of power over the world?

Not sure what you mean by “beastly,” Celaena, nor why you’re surprised that a strong, ruthless king could be, you know, king, but feel free to hurry up and sign the contract; I have K-dramas to watch.

Her heart dropped and rose inside of her like a buoy. She would do whatever the king asked—every foul mission he could throw at her, and then when the four years were over, she’d be free to live her own life, without fear of pursuit or enslavement.

YES, WE KNOW. GET ON WITH IT.

She didn’t know whether to smile, or to laugh, or to nod, or to cry and dance about.

JUST SIGN THE CONTRACT.

I’ll spare you the details. Rest assured, Celaena’s overcome with joy, the king grumbles his ground rules for her conduct (“BEHAVE YOURSELF”), and Celaena scrawls her signature, finally. Oh, but not  before the king informs her that he’ll kill Chaol, Nehemia, and Nehemia’s whole family if she ever steps out of line. Whew, I was afraid he’d just trust her to obey the contract without any incentive other than money and promised freedom.

The king’s threat momentarily harshes her joy, but she recovers admirably, and has smug on her face and pep in her step as she and Chaol leave the throne room, arm in arm. Who doesn’t love a happy ending?

(Me. The answer is me.)

CHAPTER TALLIES

We’re told Celaena’s A Total Badass: 2

Celaena proves she’s A Total Badass: 0

Fucks I have left to give: 0

Well, friends, it’s been a wild ride. I’m gonna go gouge my eyes out now.

Kidding, mostly.

This really was an incredible experience, you guys—both the snarking of the book and discussing its finer points with you. You all are amazing, and loling/cringing/raging with you has made this ordeal even more enjoyable than I’d hoped. Thank you for that!

Now excuse me while I go hibernate for a few days, because I am exhausted.

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CHAPTER INDEX


32 thoughts on “Throne of Glass: Chapter 55

    1. Very belated reply, but: Thank you so much! I still can’t believe it’s over, either; sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and have a moment of panic, thinking I’d forgotten to post the most recent chapter. (Does this mean I’m a real blogger now?) =D

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  1. Wait, what? This is the end? Can Maas add a few chapters so that we get more of this? I can send her waffles.
    Thanks for taking us on this brilliant ride with you 🙂

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  2. One word to describe that chapter: anticlimactic. I can only imagine how exhausted you must be after that brutal ride of a story. Congrats on pushing through a book you absolutely despise (you know, just a guess ) I had an amazing time reading your sass and snarks. I’m ready for another read-along whatever it will be!! BUT after this your soul needs to heal and be replenished. You deserve some cake (or chocolate) 😉

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    1. Very well put; this was anticlimactic, for sure.

      I’m so glad you enjoyed my ridiculousness! Do you have any suggestions for future snarks? I’m open to/in need of ideas, now that I’m pretty well full of cake and chocolate (and therefore have recovered from the trauma that was Throne of Glass). =D

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Welcome back!! Have you read Six of Crows yet? I would love to follow your thoughts on that book! I had a difficult experience with the book in the beginning but a second read was completely different and I ended up liking it more the second time around.

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  3. Phew, you made it! We need to organise a party to celebrate (party poppers and all), because you got through all 55 chapters! It’s been one hell of a journey, but you made it so much more amusing and memorable. I’m eagerly awaiting your next read-along 😀

    For now: put your feet up and watch a kdrama! You deserve it.

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    1. Crawls out of hiding. Is it too late for that party? Did I miss it? The K-dramas sucked me in and have only just released me. =D

      Do you have any suggestions for potential read-along-worthy books? I’d anticipated doing Born at Midnight by C.C. Hunter, but I’m now starting to feel that I should choose books that (a) are VERY popular, and (b) aren’t so jaw-droppingly awful that they have no redeeming value. Born at Midnight is popular, but I don’t know if it’s mega-popular, and holy crap it’s the worst. It’d be difficult for me to find something nice to say about it–and I want to be able to say nice things about what I snark. Ideally.

      Anyway, hello again! =D

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  4. I am so proud of you for making it all the way through (because I’m still trapped somewhere in the 32nd chapter WOOF). You deserve all of the parties and sugary treats for making it to the end with bits and pieces of your sanity!

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    1. I’m a terrible person and only just returned to my blog. Hides in shame. Thank you so much for the kind comment, and I grovel in apology for not approving/commenting back for months! I’m the worst, but you’re awesome. It’s confirmed.

      Did you ever get past chapter 32? Were you amazed by its brilliant climax and conclusion? I MUST KNOW.

      Grovels some more.

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      1. No need to hide in shame. Considering how many times I’ve abandoned my blog with no warning whatsoever (only to haphazardly pop in for an appearance or two), I totally get it.
        Also, I did not. I have no clue how you kept moving forward. I just couldn’t handle the fake badassery. I’d conveniently “lost” the book for about a month only to discover it, promise myself I’d finish the book if it was the last thing I did!, and… did nothing. One day, I will finish. If only to snark about it in a review that I half-started anyway.

        Do you plan on reading the rest? Because, you know, the first one was SO darn good 😉

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      2. You’ve made me feel about a thousand percent better. Thank you, Morgan! =D

        Ahaha, well, I can’t blame you for never finishing. After all, there are so many more important and enjoyable things to do with your time; don’t let some silly book suck away your time and will to live. You deserve better. (That said: the moment you have a snark review ready to go, please send me an urgent notification, because YES.)

        You know, maybe I will read the rest. I’ve pretty much decided to give book two a go eventually, if only to test the depths of my fortitude. I’ll keep you posted.

        (Also: I’m so sorry WordPress marked your comment as pending approval. I don’t know why it does that for some people. Dies.)

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      3. Success. No problem!

        So many more interesting things. Watching paint dry and having staring contests with fish, to name a few =P One of these days, I will trudge through the rest of the book. I think its only saving grace is that the chapters are extremely short. If they were any longer, I would revolt so hard. Trust me, you will know when the review goes up. Must give props to the inspiration for my snark because without you, I would never know such GREAT material existed in this world.

        PLEASE DO. I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of interested in pushing forward (says the girl who can’t even finish ToG) just to see how much more upset I can get about our assassinliest assassin to ever assassin on this side of Assassin Land.

        (P.S. WordPress is so rude 94.87%. I BELONG HERE, WORDPRESS. I LIVE HERE.)

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Ahaha, yes, thank goodness for those short chapters!

        There’s an overwhelming number of books in desperate need of snarking; it’s good to see another person rising to the occasion. High fives.

        “I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of interested in pushing forward (says the girl who can’t even finish ToG) just to see how much more upset I can get about our assassinliest assassin to ever assassin on this side of Assassin Land.”

        Ahaha, oh man, if ever I need an extra encouragement boost to get me through the sequel, I’ll just come back and reread this. SO ASSASSINLY, OUR ASSASSIN.

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  5. Aaah I’ve been gone for so long and I’m so sad this is over!
    Hilarious, as always. Catching up with this read along has been the highlight of my week thus far. And my Mum bought me the new Harry Potter yesterday!
    I’m so happy you’re still alive after this endeavour. Congrats!
    You did it! Cake and confetti all round.
    Can’t wait to see your next read along 😀
    Oh and I’ve been reading Kamisama Kiss. Thank you so much for the recommendation. I love it. And Tomoe. Mostly Tomoe…hmmm, Tomoe….

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    1. Aw, yay! Welcome back (says the one who disappeared for two months, whoops)!

      Waah, new Harry Potter. What a great mom. =)

      I’m so glad you love Kamisama Kiss! Holy crap, Tomoe. I won’t lie, long-haired wild Tomoe is my fav. Where do I sign up for that.

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  6. You are a SAINT for snarking this entire book. I would never have made it through without this. I laughed SO MUCH and also probably have a certain amount of brain damage from so much head-desking.

    WHY OH WHY is Chaol, Captain of the Royal Guard, so torn up about killing someone. Someone who is a criminal, who tried to kill the assassin champion and the royal prince. Why is it such a thing. Why is this the FIRST PERSON Chaol has ever killed?? Why is literally everyone upset or afraid he might get in trouble. WHAT IS THERE TO BE IN TROUBLE FOR? And then he get a few days off to recover??? WHAT. The one time he actually does his job…sheesh.

    I’m pretty sure all this book turned out to be was 400 pages Celaena hanging out in her room and having a lot of repetitive thoughts while people barge in 24/7. Like you said, she literally did nothing. She didn’t solve the mystery! She didn’t defeat Cain! No evil has been bested! She won the assassin contest without killing SINGLE PERSON. Or even proved that she has in the past! What happened to her eternal grief about the mysterious Sam? WHAT. ON. EARTH. Even this dumb love triangle was not resolved. The worst part, in my opinion, is Celaena obsesses with freedom, convinces herself she has “no choice” but to compete, and all the while she has an UNGUARDED PATH out of the castle for half the book. I don’t work in publishing but surely someone who edited or even glanced at this book must have noticed the flaw in all of this.

    Maybe that was why I was actually surprised when Nox took her advice to flee. Like, I was actually surprised that this he hightailed it out of there and didn’t stick around to help Celaena because of some weird sense of loyalty that all of these characters seem to have (yet is never really built). If he did stick around, I bet he would have solved the whole mystery asap. Nox, Nehemia, and Kaltain would have made a MUCH more compelling trio than Celaena and her (useless) royal boyfriends. Oh, the potential of this book.

    I just. I need to go read something with actual plot now. Thank you very much for this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, thank you! You make me feel accomplished and great, for helping get you through the entire book. It definitely takes strength to finish, that’s for sure.

      You’re right, there are so many incredible flaws in this book, and it’s astonishing that they weren’t addressed before publication. I understand that publishing is a money-making business, and publishers will put in the minimum effort to make money, but for them to publish a complete disaster like this is hugely disappointing.

      Ah, that’s a fantastic point about Nox; keeping him would’ve made for a lot of great potential improvements. Bah.

      Please let me know what you read next, and if it’s sufficient to wash away the taste of this one.

      Oh, and do you think you’ll continue reading this series? I MUST KNOW.

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  7. I’m late to the game in discovering the wonder that is your snarking of this book, but I want to say thank you for your hard work and dedication. I wanted to chuck this damn book out the window while reading and for you to so laboriously comb through it is a masterful feat. I laughed at your comments at every chapter. Thank you again for at least giving me some amusement back for the time I spent reading throne of ass.

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