Previously on Throne of Glass, Celaena and Chaol flirt. Later, Fae Queen Elena tells Celaena exactly how super-special she is.
Note: all direct quotes are either in bold or block-quotes. If something’s in quotation marks but not bold, it’s paraphrased snark.
THIS IS IT, YOU GUYS. THE FINAL CHAPTER.
After days of twiddling her thumbs and smugging over her own awesomeness (probably), Celaena has been summoned to sign the contract that’ll bind her as the King’s Champion for the next four years. She’s over-the-top terrified of the king, as usual, so the prose gets ridiculous, as usual; the king’s “voice made her bones splinter,” etc. Yes, yes, let’s hurry it up.
How can such a beastly man possess this sort of power over the world?
Not sure what you mean by “beastly,” Celaena, nor why you’re surprised that a strong, ruthless king could be, you know, king, but feel free to hurry up and sign the contract; I have K-dramas to watch.
Her heart dropped and rose inside of her like a buoy. She would do whatever the king asked—every foul mission he could throw at her, and then when the four years were over, she’d be free to live her own life, without fear of pursuit or enslavement.
YES, WE KNOW. GET ON WITH IT.
She didn’t know whether to smile, or to laugh, or to nod, or to cry and dance about.
JUST SIGN THE CONTRACT.
I’ll spare you the details. Rest assured, Celaena’s overcome with joy, the king grumbles his ground rules for her conduct (“BEHAVE YOURSELF”), and Celaena scrawls her signature, finally. Oh, but not before the king informs her that he’ll kill Chaol, Nehemia, and Nehemia’s whole family if she ever steps out of line. Whew, I was afraid he’d just trust her to obey the contract without any incentive other than money and promised freedom.
The king’s threat momentarily harshes her joy, but she recovers admirably, and has smug on her face and pep in her step as she and Chaol leave the throne room, arm in arm. Who doesn’t love a happy ending?
(Me. The answer is me.)
We’re told Celaena’s A Total Badass: 2
Celaena proves she’s A Total Badass: 0
Fucks I have left to give: 0
Well, friends, it’s been a wild ride. I’m gonna go gouge my eyes out now.
This really was an incredible experience, you guys—both the snarking of the book and discussing its finer points with you. You all are amazing, and loling/cringing/raging with you has made this ordeal even more enjoyable than I’d hoped. Thank you for that!
Now excuse me while I go hibernate for a few days, because I am exhausted.