Snarking Obsidian: Chapter 3


Previously on  Obsidian, Katy, who has the manners of a walrus, reluctantly finds herself befriended by Douchebag’s depressingly gorgeous, 100% Grade A Hufflepuff sister, Dee.

Note: all direct quotes are either in bold or block-quotes. If something’s in quotation marks but not bold or block-quotes, it’s paraphrased snark.


Chapter Index

CHAPTER 3

Oh, god, the chapter intros are getting worse.

The day my Internet was hooked up was better than having a hot guy check out my butt and ask for my phone number.

I mean, yes, I too prefer Internet access over a stranger deeming my body an acceptable receptacle for his dick and requesting that it be on call to service him.

Blessed with Internet access, Katy updates her blog and spends a few minutes “respond[ing] to comments” and catching up on “a few other blogs [she] loved,” which (a) is literally the most boring way to describe blogging, and (b) avoids referencing the people writing those blogs and comments, thus subtly reinforcing the idea that she’s one of the genre’s many friendless, lonely heroines twiddling her thumbs as she awaits a magical penis to carry her away.

Dee shows up, gardening stuff happens, the girls talk about Katy’s dead dad, and Dee’s entire left arm becomes briefly transparent. More importantly to Katy: DAEMON APPEARS. DISHEVELED. SHIRTLESS.

“Doesn’t he own a shirt?” I asked, grabbing a spade.

“Unfortunately, I don’t think so. Not even in winter. He’s always running around half-dressed.”

TAKE NOTE: We’re on page twenty-four. Any guesses how long it’ll be before he covers his glory?

Daemon spends the next half hour perfecting his contrapposto while chatting on his cell phone, and oh my god Katy very seriously notes that “his presence had a swamping effect” and I’m not even making that up. God bless this book.

My glee is immediately diminished by the fact that he disappears into his house and emerges again wearing a shirt. It’s been less than half a page. What the hell. (Katy’s more genuinely disappointed than I am, of course.)

Daemon swaggers over and, of course, promptly dehumidifies Katy’s pants by opening his mouth.

DAEMON: [Stares straight at Katy] “What are you doing?”

KATY: “I’m fixing—“

DAEMON: “I wasn’t asking you.” [Turns to Dee] “What are you doing?”

Katy runs through some deep breathing exercises and distracts herself by explaining to the reader just how deep is her love of gardening. Daemon’s smirk eventually interrupts her inner monologue: it’s the smirk of a man who thinks gardening is lame, and Katy instantly goes into battle mode, demanding to know what his hobby is.

“I’m not sure I should say in front of my sister,” he replied, his expression turning wolfish.

“Ew.” Dee made a face.

The images I got then were totally R-rated, and I could tell by his smug expression he knew it.

And it’s my turn for the breathing exercises, hold on a second.

I don’t know what readers are expected to get out of this exchange (gorgeous asshole + sex reference = thrilling?), but here’s what’s actually going on: a man is carefully and deliberately upsetting a woman by making her think about his penis and what he can do with it.

You know what’s fucking awful? Men using sex in any way—references to it, sideways implications of it, mentions of their own bodies in sexual contexts, any even vaguely sexual act at all—to make women uncomfortable, to frighten them, to manipulate them.

The fact that Daemon escalated his game from “I’ll sneeringly insult you” to “I’ll use sex to upset you” is alarming the shit out of me, you guys. We’re on page twenty-six.

Somehow, Katy continues to focus on maintaining serenity while I’m over here pantomiming destroying furniture.

Precious cupcake Dee initiates her emergency Twin Damage Control procedures, which are going along pretty well until she suggests Katy come over to the twins’ house to remodel their garden as well. Daemon gently interjects FUCK NO:

“She’s not welcome in our house,” Daemon snapped, turning to his sister. “Seriously.”

This sets Dee to crying, and in the twins’ ensuing argument Daemon reveals his excellent and totally legit reasons for banning all Katys from his property:

  • “I don’t want her over there.”
  • “Dee, you have friends. [ . . . ] You don’t need to be friends with someone . . . someone like her.”
  • And, to Katy: “I don’t like that you’re friends with my sister.”

Katy has finally exhausted her reserve of self-control, and she shouts at him WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, and he shouts back YOU, YOU AND YOUR AWFUL FACE, and Katy growls WELL GET OVER IT BECAUSE I’M DEE’S NEW BESTIE, and then—

One second he was standing next to Dee and the next he was right in front of me. And I mean, right in front of me. He couldn’t have moved that fast. It was impossible. But there he was, towering over me and staring down.

“How . . . how did you move . . . ?” I took a step back, words failing me. The intensity in his eyes sent shivers down my arms. Holy crap . . .

That’s right, Daemon, use your alien teleportation powers to physically intimidate Katy into submission. That’s my fav.

Guys, I can’t snark this; I have to make you live it with me. I’m sorry.

“Listen closely,” he said, taking a step forward. I took one back, and he matched my steps until my back bit into one of the tall trees. Daemon bent his head down, his unnatural green eyes taking up my whole world. Heat rolled off his body. “I’m only going to tell you this once. If anything happens to my sister, so help me—” He stopped, taking a deep breath as his gaze dropped to my parted lips. My breath caught. Something flickered in his eyes, but they narrowed again, hiding whatever had been there.

The images were back. The two of us. Hot and sweaty. I bit my lip and tried to make my expression blank, but yet again I knew he could tell what I was thinking when his expression turned annoyingly smug.

First, I wholeheartedly believe he was a breath away from saying, “I will kill you.”

Second, I can discern three possible reasons for Katy’s incredible leap from FUCK THIS GUY to Hell yes fuck this guy  ;), and none of them will cleanse my face of this expression I’m wearing right now:

  1. The book’s keeping the reader focused on how hot (not how terrifying) Daemon is.
  2. Katy is sexually aroused by men who threaten her with bodily harm.
  3. Daemon’s using some alien pheromone or power to induce these images and Katy’s arousal—which would guide me onto an even more advanced level of what am I reading oh my god.

But back to Daemon, who’s thrilled to be handed another opportunity to use sex to upset Katy:

“You’re kind of dirty, Kitten.”

I blinked. Deny. Deny. Deny. “What did you say?”

“Dirty,” he repeated, voice so low I knew Dee couldn’t hear him. “You’re covered in dirt. What did you think I meant?”

“Nothing,” I said, wishing he’d back the hell up. Daemon being this close wasn’t exactly comforting. “I’m gardening. You get dirty when you do that.”

His lips twitched. “There are a lot more fun ways to get . . . dirty. Not that I’d ever show you.”

(Sorry for quoting huge swaths of text, but I think it’s important that you see exactly how their interactions are being portrayed, because this is fucked up.)

Thank god, Katy sees I’m about to launch into capslocked wailing and saves us all by giving me a lol:

His lips twitched. “There are a lot more fun ways to get . . . dirty. Not that I’d ever show you.”

I had a feeling he knew each way intimately.

Is there an appendix to this book, listing the extent of Daemon’s sexual education? Does he give webinars?

Daemon finally stalks off, and traumatized pumpkin Dee collapses on the porch steps, overcome by the shitshow she just witnessed. Daemon wasn’t always a dick, she informs a disbelieving Katy.

Speechless, I stared at her. My heart was still racing, pumping blood way too fast. I wasn’t sure if it was fear or adrenaline that was making me dizzy when I finally pushed away from the tree and approached her. And if I wasn’t afraid, I kind of wondered if I should be.

YES, DO THAT. DO IT NOW.

Katy spares a moment to wonder why Daemon’s “possessiveness seemed a bit off the charts” (SEEMED? A BIT?) before admitting:

My hands were still shaking, and even though he was gone, I could still feel him—the heat he’d thrown off. It had been . . . exciting. Sadly.

I’ll take this time to inform you that I’ve acquired a new desk since writing my Throne of Glass snark. This one is black marble, and its smooth, cold surface feels lovely on the skin when I delicately rest my forehead against it. As I’m doing now. Because yes, this is exactly the message we want teens to learn: that Daemon’s behavior is not only acceptable, but hot.

The chapter finally ends, and no, Katy never does give a second thought to Dee’s transparent limbs or Daemon’s ability to teleport his smoldering fuckable rage into her face. The hell, Katy.

<PREVIOUS CHAPTERNEXT CHAPTER>

CHAPTER INDEX


34 thoughts on “Snarking Obsidian: Chapter 3

  1. I couldn’t resist.. I’m working but as soon as I saw the notification of another Snark Chapter in my inbox I just decided that it was time to procrastinate! 😀 … I’m not a stalker, I swear 😀 lol, this is the highlight of my day!

    You’re truly deserving of that Platinum award already- I love that you point out the twisted message in the book. It is twisted and I hate it… so many books make that mistake and it’s just gag… however, I still couldn’t keep my laughs in.. well I could… until you said this–> “Does he give webinars?” That right there was the final drop in the chalice, I burst out laughing and I might have said something like :”F*cking hell, this is brilliant!” to which I got some weird looks from IT guys…
    Oh, did I say I love what you’re doing here? 😀

    Now… I think I only recently started following your blog…which means I missed the Throne of Glass snark sessions… I never read nor am planning to read the books but I sure as hell am going to check it out on your blog…

    high fives

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aaaah that makes me so happy! Though please don’t lose your job because of my snark; I’d feel awful, and your employer needs you.

      Honestly, pointing out the twisted messages in these books is my favorite aspect of snarking. There’s a horrifying amount of unquestioned misogyny (and racism, and homophobia, etc.) in popular YA novels, and by god I’m going to point it out. I’m relieved to hear I’m doing a good job of it so far!

      Daemon would probably be a YouTube star, that’s for sure.

      Here’s hoping my Throne of Glass snark doesn’t disappoint!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No worries… I worked through the lunch hour so all work time was made up! 🙂

        As I commented on the recent post (Rape in A Thousand Pieces…) you are the very much needed reasoning and voice when it comes to YA… hopefully your posts will make a lot of readers think more deeply and then start noticing and analysing the rights and wrongs as well… It is so important!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. If you didn’t get a solid chance to eat, I’m still going to feel horrible, FYI.

        Aw, thank you so much, Liz. Maybe I need to start figuring out the whole Promoting Your Blog On Social Media thing, to better get my messages out to readers. I’ll admit that it’s frustrating and disheartening that my audience is so small, and my impact on both the community and the state of books at large is therefore nonexistent. Maybe that should be my resolution this year: learn how to draw attention to my blog. Wish me luck!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Oh, don’t you worry about me… I’m a multitasker Extraordinaire! 😀

        Yes, you need more of a following to your blog! Social media can be a drag but I hope 2017 will totally be the year that you’ll turn your blog into a success! I shall tell everyone I know about your blog as well!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. On one hand, this is hilarious and a few gems (“does he give webinars?” “dehumidifying katy’s pants”) made me laugh out loud, but on the other hand, I’m now actually pretty disturbed ??? Especially considering that a few of my closest friends have recommended this book to me – I really, really find it concerning that younger girls may be reading this book and thinking this type of behavior is “hot” and that Daemon is “such a bad boy” and that any of this is acceptable. WHY do authors do this??? WHY does ANYONE in ANY industry do this???

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There’s major awkwardness here, both in the book (presenting Daemon’s unacceptable behaviors as sexxxy) and in my snark (trying to point out how awful all the threats and misogyny and stuff are, while still being funny/entertaining for you guys to read). “Disturbing” is an excellent way to describe it.

      YES. Oh my god, the thought of young women learning that this behavior is exciting and desirable is terrifying. These authors clearly don’t realize or don’t care that they’re promoting dangerous, damaging lines of thought and behavior. It’s fucking awful.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is such an amazing recap. I actually laughed so hard I snorted at the ‘she awaits a magical penis to carry her away’ line, and the rest of your comments on their interactions in this chapter were just as hilarious.
    I remember reading this and I thought the tension between Daemon and Katy was too cruel to kind of be a proper foundation for a relationship There’s sexual tension and then thee’s this right? But reading your review for this chapter is kind of making me feel more uncomfortable with their relationship. Like, that is not the way you should be acting around someone who is that cruel to you.
    I’m glad you have a new desk to rest your head against when this book gets too much, which wow it only took three chapters didn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, yay! Your snort brings me joy. 😄

      “[T]he tension between Daemon and Katy was too cruel to kind of be a proper foundation for a relationship.”

      This is it exactly! Perfectly said. If they’re going to have a healthy relationship, they need to find a way to undo the damage he’s done, and start treating each other with respect. And Katy needs to realize her own self-worth, and learn to stand up for herself. (I’m not going to hold my breath, but I might keep my fingers crossed.)

      This book sure isn’t taking its time!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Good to hear! 😀
        It does seem though that in some YA books the way Katy and Daemon talk to each other and go back and forth is the norm. You always have the paranormal boy being a jerk and the girl running after him in a way. There needs to be more relationships in YA that aren’t like that.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Your snark, legit, gives me life. This is a brilliant analysis of this shitshow of a book. I’m SO glad that you’ve pointed out the twisted messages the author has included. Sexual tension is fine, but Katy and Daemon’s relationship is something else entirely. Thank you for pointing out the issues with their behaviors and attitudes. Your commentary is just A++ (so funny and so on point). I’m really enjoying these recaps haha

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your praise, consolation, and additions give me life. I think I can survive this book if you’re here to help.

      “Sexual tension is fine, but Katy and Daemon’s relationship is something else entirely.”

      Yes, exactly. And it really is important that readers point out these awful, twisted messages as unacceptable—hopefully with an eventual result of seeing these messages disappear from our books. (A guy can dream, right?)

      Honestly, making a difference for someone by pointing out these messages is my life’s goal. You’ve seriously made my day, Azia. Thank you for that ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course! 🙂 ❤ I’m just glad that you’re identifying these issues and sharing your thoughts with us. They’re great discussion topics. Cant’t wait to read your snark review for Chapter 4! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I can’t even laugh at this stuff anymore. Now that Trump will be President in less than two weeks it just makes me want to cry 😟😪. However, everything not related to sexual intimidation, threats of violent assault and the inherent sexiness of same was hilarious and you have once again saved me from reading something unbearable in snarkless form, so bless you. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s (unfortunately) a really great point. While writing these chapters, the reality of the (incoming disaster that is) Trump’s presidency wasn’t on my mind—which is awful, because it should always be on my mind.

      Violence against women is never sexy, and is certainly never funny. I’m struggling while writing these snarks, because my intention is to point out the book’s flaws in an entertaining (hopefully funny) way—but I do not want to make a joke at the expense of a victim of misogyny and abuse. I try to keep the jokes to a minimum when pointing out the misogyny and violence, but if I do ever say anything that’s offensive or inappropriate, please let me know. That’s the last thing I want.

      But I’m so, so happy to know that I’m shielding you from suffering through this disaster yourself. You deserve nothing but great books that treat women with respect. 😊

      Like

  6. Liam, you’re perf.

    “Katy, who has the manners of a walrus.” I damn near spit my water out on my laptop. That could have been disastrous. Let it be known, though, that this is how I will think of her from this point forward. So, thank you for that.

    Your feels on the intros are further proof that we are literally the same. On my notebook page for this book, there’s a note about feeling secondhand embarrassment for a book character with that one sentence cited because WOOF. Who does that?!

    Also, all of these awkward and 100% rude conversations Daemon keeps having in front of Katy about Katy without addressing Katy (“She’s not allowed in our house” “You can’t have friends like that trollop over there”) makes me want to smack him on her behalf, and I don’t even like that girl. So, there’s that.

    I keep holding out to hope that this ship isn’t going to sail because it’s so damn damaging. But we know YA just loves to disappoint.

    P.S. I’m glad I’m not the only one thoroughly underwhelmed with how book blogging is portrayed. It’s almost as if the author is like “Ah Ha! This is how I will get great rave reviews on all of the book blogs. I will make them feel included. They will love me, I’m sure!”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Don’t you dare endanger your laptop; anything that postpones me getting my hands (uh, eyeballs?) on your future posts is strictly forbidden.

      I won’t lie, I felt a little guilty when I wrote the walrus thing, and considered removing it. Walruses don’t need the bad rep.

      You’re taking notes?? Hold on, hold on. Can you, like, photocopy them and send them to me? Or is this one of your magical hiding-in-plain-sight notebooks that the eyes of us lesser creatures can’t see? I’m dying of curiosity now.

      It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen a face as smackable as Daemon’s. I don’t blame you at all.

      “I keep holding out to hope that this ship isn’t going to sail because it’s so damn damaging. But we know YA just loves to disappoint.”

      This actually broke my heart, because it’s true. We deserve better from YA.

      YES. That’s exactly what I was thinking; it’s lazy pandering to the audience, and so bad. Ugh, Morgan. Just ugh.

      Like

  7. That chapter intro is infuriating! So the highlight of a teen’s day is to have her butt checked and get a phone number?! Getting my Internet is better than … not burning my madeleines when I’m starving. I do nourish the hope everything doesn’t revolve around boys and sex. I know, I’m boring xD
    “A few minutes” to reply to comment and visit blogs?? Well, Kathy mustn’t be so good at blogging, it takes me hours, hahahahaha. But yeah I guess it reinforces the cliche of her being ALOOOOOOOONE

    Liked by 1 person

    1. and I was not done with that comment!!!!
      Anything is okay as long as it’s hot… Nice message. excuse me while I go hit the wall with my forehead!
      (Brilliant snark, as always ❤ Thanks, I needed it, I’m about to go to an exam!)

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Ha! But seriously, please don’t burn your delicious madeleines when you’re starving; I’d be so sad for both you and the madeleines.

      If not wanting the book/world to revolve around boys and sex makes you boring, then let’s happily be boring together.

      YES. Holy crap, I didn’t even think about how little time she spends on that task. I’ve literally been catching up on blogs and comments for the last four hours. How many blogs is she following—two?

      SO ALOOOOONE our poor Katy.

      Like

  8. Ahahahahaha that opening- just… what is going on? So weird! Hahaha and I’m beginning to wonder if this guy owns a shirt! Jeez- put some clothes on already! “Swamping effect”- ye wot?? Hahaha I just don’t understand this book!
    Surprisingly Daemon doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable- but he does seem like the kind of guy I’d sidestep for all eternity. What I’m wondering is- do some women find that attractive… and if so who? I mean, everyone’s got a friend that makes too many innuendos- but no one actually dates that guy. Just saying.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not gonna lie, my husband and I now throw around the word “swamping” because it’s so hilariously gross. I can’t even.

      I applaud your sidestepping instincts.

      That’s an excellent question, and one I’d love an answer to.

      I can understand why readers would be attracted to him as a character in a book; his dialogue and behavior give him an edge of danger that a lot of people find enticing, but the fact that he’s fictional makes him not dangerous at all. They get to be immersed in the fantasy of flirting with a dangerous guy, without the actual danger of it.

      The problem with that is, of course, that the book itself is inherently dangerous, by teaching readers that his type of behavior and attitude is acceptable, sexy, and romantic. Readers may think they’re safe, but they may be subconsciously absorbing incredibly damaging lessons.

      Ha ha, whoops, didn’t mean to get all serious here. I was going to write a post about all this in the next few days, so it’s on my mind.

      That said, I’ve unfortunately known too many people who have dated that guy. It’s for their sakes (and the sakes of younger readers who may not know better yet) that I get so mad. [Shakes a fist at Daemon.]

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m capslock loling haha. I agree with the part where you worry about the message this sends out to teens. That’s one thing I questioned throughout the whole series; Is this really supposed to be teen fiction? Because if this had been New Adult some of the events of the book could have been forgiven. Loved this snark!

    Liked by 1 person

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