Snarking Obsidian: Chapter 13


Previously on  Obsidian, Katy lolingly ridicules the locals’ totally absurd superstition that there are nonhuman creatures in town, then anoints Douchebag Daemon and Asshole Ash with her spaghetti lunch.

Note: all direct quotes are either in bold or block-quotes. If something’s in quotation marks but not bold or block-quotes, it’s paraphrased snark.


Chapter Index

CHAPTER 13

After three brief paragraphs summarizing the remainder of her school day, Katy gets down to business:

After school I drove home, trying to figure out everything that had happened since I moved here.

Finally.

Her list is as follows:

  • The first day I’d felt something on the porch and in the house.” (Wait, what? The only feelings I recall you feeling in those two locales are lust for Daemon’s loins and angst over the twins’ unfairly high metabolisms.)
  • Daemon’s remarkable ability to breathe underwater.
  • The flash of light when she and Daemon saw the bear was similar/identical to the flash of light she saw when her attacker fled from the library’s parking lot.
  • And all that junk [about alien sightings and roving government agents] Lesa had been saying.

THAT’S IT?

And then oh my god this book. The VERY NEXT SENTENCE reads:

Once I got home, though, and saw several packages on my front porch, all the crap from the day disappeared.

I’m appalled at myself for not keeping a tally of how many times the book prevents Katy from thinking about her situation, either by (a) distracting her with something trivial, or (b) forcing chapter/scene breaks and opening the next chapter/scene hours or days later.

Because, honestly, I don’t think Katy is this dumb. The book is forcing her to be this dumb, for the sake of drawing out the Great Reveal of Daemon’s Slimy Magnificence—which had better be fucking worth it.

But let’s take a cue from our protagonist and just move along.

I hurried upstairs and powered up my laptop. I checked on the reviews I’d posted last night. No comments. People sucked. But I did gain five new followers. People rocked. I closed out the page before I started redesigning everything.

This is seriously the shittiest, laziest pandering to book bloggers possible.

Amazingly, my unceasing wails against Katy’s passive, inactive protagonisting appear to have transcended time and space and paper, because Katy actually fires up Google and starts investigating the two things Charming Classmate Lesa had carefully megaphoned for her benefit: the local belief that the town is host to nonhuman, probably-alien “people of light,” and a similar (less local) belief in the Mothman.

Alas, “people of light” proves a dead-end (stranding her briefly in the Internet’s Christian subculture), but the Mothman stuff proves . . . well, equally dead-end-ish, apparently:

Oh. Dear. Lord.

West Virginians were crazy. Down in Florida, every once in a while someone claimed to see Big Foot out in the Glades or the chupacabra, but not a giant flying whatever he was. He looked like a huge satanic butterfly.

Why in the hell was I looking at this?

It was insane. I stopped myself before I started searching for aliens in West Virginia.

OF COURSE YOU DID.

And here’s the next sentence:

As soon as I went downstairs, there was a knock on my door.

Yet again she doesn’t think; she just wipes the dry erase board of her memory clean and moves on to the next scene, while I’m collapsed in a deepening pit of resentment.

We’re on page 144, Katy finally starts engaging with the actual plot by investigating its mysteries, then—after only nine lines, most of which I quoted above!—she decides that NOPE, THAT’S ENOUGH ACTION FROM ME, THIS IS ALL POINTLESS, NO SUCH THING AS THE PARANORMAL, TIME TO DISENGAGE.

We’re 40% of the way into the novel.

40%.

I’m just grateful that it’s Dee who’s knocking on her door instead of Daemon, because I absolutely cannot handle his face right now.

Dee’s apologies for Daemon and Ash’s behavior are already gushing forth as Katy opens the door, but Katy’s less interested in apologies than an explanation (preferably with footnotes) of Daemon and Ash’s gross prejudice against her. Dee came unprepared for that particular oral exam, though she does explain that Daemon’s just sleeping with Ash, not dating her (to Ash’s eternal chagrin).

And Katy’s response to this genuinely surprised me, in a good way:

“He’s using her?” Disgusted, I shook my head. “What a douche.”

Katy then reconfirms her undying friendship with Dee (undying friendship: confirmed), which is actually just the first step in a devious master plan: guilt trip Dee for not telling Katy all the details of her missing-and-presumed-dead other twin brother, Dawson.

“HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT HIM,” Katy demands.

Dee’s answer is a tearful, “Talking about him hurts.”

Katy’s response: “Oh, yeah, makes sense.”

But Dee’s not done: Dawson was not only her twin, he was her best friend, and now she’s spraying tears and Katy’s realizing she’s “a nosy bitch” for demanding answers on such a sensitive topic. Wow, who is this Katy, being all self-aware and sensitive?

But Dee’s fallen hard into the morass of guilt Katy’d carefully laid out for her (DEE: “I’m such a crappy friend that you find out about my other brother from kids at school.” ME: “Dee, honey, no.”), which Katy—stellar friend that she is—doesn’t bother helping Dee out of:

“I was confused. There’s been so much . . . ” I trailed off, shaking my head. “Nothing. When you’re ready to talk about him, I’m here. Okay?”

Precious Dee’s highly-tuned My Friend Needs Me alarm is instantly (politely) beeping at this, and she valiantly sets aside her own grief and guilt to ask, “There’s been so much what?”

But Katy, OF COURSE, opts not to ask Dee about the strange occurrences (“Talking to her about all the weird crap wouldn’t be good. And I had promised Daemon not to talk about the attack.” ME: “It wouldn’t be good? And you’d promised Daemon? Katy, honey, oh my god.”), and the scene ends.

Time skip! Katy’s dreading the start of second period, which she shares with Daemon. She’s also in serious lament over her spaghetti-flinging extravaganza yesterday; yeah, she was embarrassed by Ash’s cruel taunts, but Ash had to have been even more embarrassed by her tomatoey facial. She decides maybe Daemon’s assholery is rubbing off on her, and “it would be best for everyone if [she] stayed the hell away from him from now on.” Guys, I’m maybe starting to like Katy.

Lovely Classmates Lesa and Carissa swarm Katy to invite her to lunch, and the football game tonight, and the game’s afterparty, which are 100% Lesa’s thing and -100% Carissa’s. Because Carissa, Lesa sneers, is a straight-edge who wouldn’t know fun if it stood triple-fisting a hookah and beer and barrel of lube in front of her.

CARISSA: “Excuse me if I have standards.” [Narrows eyes at Lesa] “Unlike some.”

LESA: “lul wat r standards”

Someone please reassure me that Lesa isn’t the next girl to be kidnapped. If something awful happens to her “because she was impure and therefore deserved it,” I will legit set this book afire.

Daemon finally arrives (heralded by a dozen classmates’ lustful sighs), Katy tries to chameleon herself into the color and shape of her chair, but he—too keen-eyed to be fooled—spots her and demands she replace his shirt which she’d ruined yesterday, and then he clambers over his desk to jut his “poetic lips” to hers and murmurs (I’m describing this from Katy’s libido-enhanced point of view), “CLEAR YOUR DANCE CARD, I’M GONNA KEEP YOU UP ALL NIGHT,” to which Katy replies “I can’t hear you over my arousal, what was that again?” and Daemon clarifies “BETTER DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS TODAY BECAUSE I HAVE PLANS FOR YOU LATER that only involve talking and maybe a few physical threats and definitely nothing sexy, unless you’re into the threats thing which I guess you are, so long story short TONIGHT YOU ARE MINE. FOR TALKING.”

(What Daemon actually says: “You and I have to talk,” and, “Yes, we do. Tonight.”)

Part of me wanted to tell him to forget the whole talking thing, but I gritted my teeth and nodded. We need to talk if at least for me to tell him we shouldn’t ever talk again. I wanted to find the nice Katy he’d had gagged and put in the corner.

  • Dude, you can tell him “I never want to talk to you again” right now. That’s, like, eight words—ten, tops, if you throw in his name or a few choice curses.
  • And wait, it’s been nine pages since you strapped on your combat boots and declared yourself Totally Over Being Nice To Douchebags, and you’re already deciding you’d rather be a mousy pushover? What happened?
  • Why do you need to meet up with him alone tonight to “find the nice Katy” again? You can “find the nice Katy” well enough on your own, I promise you.
  • That description of yourself at Daemon’s hands—gagged and put in a corner—is a scarily accurate representation of what he wants to do with you, as far as I can tell.

So Daemon’s still crouched over his desk, his mouth a “[t]otally inappropriate amount of space” away from Katy’s, and only the teacher’s awkward ahem-aheming breaks Katy of from her libidionous enchantment. Turns out the entire class was caught up in the scene: “we had the entire class transfixed,” Katy informs us, with equal parts mortification and smug.

Class begins, and Friendly Harlot Lesa, sensing that the chapter’s ending and that I’m more emotionally engaged with my Dr Pepper than this scene, chucks a note onto Katy’s desk. “Holy Hawt Chemistry, Batman!” it reads, and hold on, I’m having agonizing flashbacks to using that same spelling of “hot” when I was younger. I think I’m ready for death now.

I looked over at her, shaking my head. But there was a fluttering deep in my chest, a breathlessness that shouldn’t be there. I didn’t like him. He was a jerk. Moody. But there had been brief moments that I’d spent with him—like a nanosecond—when I thought I might have seen the real Daemon. At least a better Daemon. And that part made me curious. And the other side, the jerky one, yeah, that part didn’t make me curious.

It sort of excited me.

Okay, now I’m ready for death.

So there was “a nanosecond” in which you thought maybe Daemon was not an asshat to his core, and so you instantly assume that’s “the real Daemon,” or that at least he can be improved into “a better Daemon“? And regardless of whether or not you imagined that nanosecond, his abusive manipulative threatening behavior excites you?

What the fuck.


If I can praise the book for one thing, it’s its ability to winch my fury a few degrees higher with each new chapter. That’s . . . something.

In other news, my bud Morgan pointed out that there’s an entire novel retelling the first three books of this series from Daemon’s perspective. Perhaps that’s where the three Daemon-POV bonus chapters at the end of my copy of Obsidian came from? (I’m not curious enough to confirm this.)

<PREVIOUS CHAPTERNEXT CHAPTER>

CHAPTER INDEX


18 thoughts on “Snarking Obsidian: Chapter 13

  1. This is really just THE BEST. School is killing me at the moment and you know what the best remedy is? THIS. THIS THIS THIS. I remember being so excited to read this because I heard some great things about Daemon. And then I met him. I don’t usually want to punch people (a lie because sadly characters bring out the bad in me) but Daemon is a new kind of bad. The asshole meter is really having a busy day at the fair with this guy in. Katy just frustrated me so much so early on and wow the feelings are really reigniting in me AHA. ANYWAY YES, this was too good and I love it so very much and JUST THANK YOU FOR SAYING EVERYTHING. After reading this book I was a full ranting machine and now finally after this time I have gotten the words relayed back to me and it feels SO GOOD XD

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, I’m so glad my snark is helping you survive! (But I’m also so sorry that school is destroying you right now. [Shakes a fist at school.])

      “And then I met him. I don’t usually want to punch people (a lie because sadly characters bring out the bad in me)”

      Ha! There are a lot of beautifully punchable characters at there. I’m glad at least that all the people you want to punch are fictional.

      “The asshole meter is really having a busy day at the fair with this guy in.”

      This is seriously the best mental image I’ve ever had, oh my god, thank you for sharing this beauty.

      I’m delighted to be able to bring you such emotional relief! And congrats on surviving reading the book in the first place; I admire your fortitude. (If you have any extra, kindly send it my way?)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you! For it is this snark that I can make my way forward without falling on my face and staying down there forever and ignoring that indeedly there are stacks of work to be done but that the floor is too comforting no matter its cold and lifeless non-heart.

        Haha thankfully they are fictional! Both to keep this violence unreal and also because can you imagine meeting them during your normal day? Why thank you for the compliments! I don’t know what it is about Daemon but he really brings out the creativity in me.

        Unfortunately this book has drained much fortitude from me but I grant you whatever I have left over as well as my luck – you might need it. 😛

        Like

  2. LOL it’s been years since I read this. Hate to break it to it, but it only gets worse. Katy’s character development is all downhill from here (I personally think). Gets worse when Daemon’s POV alternates.

    And the 3 POV chapters from Daemon at the end were there when I read it. I’m sure JLA integrated them into the retelling novel but they’ve been there for awhile.

    Like

  3. honestly, I’m just gonna come out and say it- I think Katy IS dumb. Granted I think it’s the author’s choice to make her dumb for the sake of the “big reveal” like you said- but she’s still not made a single smart choice in this entire book and frankly I think she’s run out of brain cells to make any in the future (unless, as I suspect, the author gives her a personality transplant where she suddenly figures everything out). hahaha I mean she stopped herself before searching for aliens… I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS 40% OF THE WAY IN AND SHE HASN’T FIGURED ANYTHING OUT- arghhhhhhhh!!! hahahaha I love the subtext you just wrote to “we need to talk”.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh man, if the author does the personality-transplant thing, I might actually be relieved. Because, as much as I hate inconsistently written characters, at least we wouldn’t have to sit through the remaining 50%-ish of the book with Katy as brainless and passive as she has been. (I never thought I’d actually be hoping for a personality transplant. I’ve sunk so low.)

      Ha, I’m so glad! =D

      Liked by 1 person

  4. OMG that blogging paragraph had me so angry you can’t imagine.We are not that shallow and we are not living for numbers thank you very much.
    I am so proud and I admire you for keeping up with this shit.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YES. That’s an excellent response, and I wish you could send that directly to this book’s author. (Though hopefully by now she’s gained more understanding of book blogging and the blogging community. Hopefully.)

      You give me the strength, Donna. =D

      Like

  5. Well done for getting through another chapter of this book, I think by the end you’re going to need a medal or something for actually finishing it.
    The paragraph about book blogging does seem lazy. I don’t know about anyone else but I never sign into my blog and then sign off again. I check it throughout the day, spend hours commenting and replying to comments and writing posts and reading. Asides from Katy’s five second trip to a library has she even been around a book since she moved there?
    Also I would love it if next chapter Katy actually made a move forwards to finding out more about Daemon, or if she just turned around and punched Daemon. I’m not fussy, after 13 chapters I’d settle for either!
    Great recap though! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll probably make myself a medal out of, like, a chocolate bar wrapper or something. I sense a major need for consolation chocolate at the end of this book.

      Yeah, Katy’s (or, I should say, the author’s) perception of book blogging could use some serious work. What’s the point of having her be a book blogger if she’s not engaged with book blogging? Because you’re right, she hasn’t touched a book (that we’ve seen), and (so far) her “interest” in books has done nothing to develop her character or serve the plot. Her blog really does seem to exist just to make uncritical readers think, “Oh, she likes books just like me! I feel such a personal, emotional connection with her!” Bah.

      Ha! I’ll be fussy and vote for both.

      Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t blame you. If I was reviewing this book by chapters I’d need tons of chocolate by the time I was through.
        Exactly, it’s like you said it seems like a lazy way to develop her character but also connect to a community that probably would enjoy seeing more representation of themselves in books you know? At least show us Katy reading something, if not her actively blogging, instead of mentioning it almost as an add-on to a sentence.
        That’s all right! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. 40% already? For a paranormal book it seems a long way in for there to have been so little paranormal activity, or at least for the character not to have properly noticed it… but then maybe that is common and I am forgetting a bunch of books where that happens? I feel like that might be the case. I do like that Katy is being a little less bitchy and more critical of Daemon though in this chapter. Though I did have a good laugh at how obviously the distractions pop up to stop her from thinking. Speaking of which, I really must be going… I have to celebrate my five new followers and start redesigning everything 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s for damn sure. I think I’d be less aggravated by the sloooow reveeeeal if Katy was DOING SOMETHING. ANYTHING. [Shakes a fist.]

      You’re right, we should definitely celebrate this progress in Katy’s character while it lasts. (I don’t expect it to stick around.)

      Ha! What’re you doing, actually engaging in conversations with other bloggers?? Don’t you know that’s now how blogging works??

      Liked by 1 person

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s