Jennifer L. Armentrout
Oh hey, check it out, another popular book that I’m going to inexplicably spend weeks of my life snarking. This one’s about aliens. Neat!
The book is 30 chapters long, so my estimated snark end date is Monday, April 10, 2017 (assuming I snark like a tireless machine, posting every Monday and Friday).
HOWEVER. The book also contains three bonus chapters from Sexy Alien Dude’s perspective, which sounds simultaneously amazing and horrifying, and I might not be capable of resisting them.
And oh hey, check it out, I made aesthetic boards for our heroine and her love interest. I think I did a pretty good job, actually.
Note: Click on a chapter number to read the full snark.
Beautiful Teen Hideous Teen Katy explains why she’ll have no parental supervision for the duration of her impending alien romance, then discovers just how deeply Sexy Neighbor Douchebag can affect her libido/moral reservations against homicide.
Katy, who has the manners of a walrus, reluctantly finds herself befriended by Douchebag’s depressingly gorgeous, 100% Grade A Hufflepuff sister, Dee.
Katy is less concerned about Dee’s occasionally transparent limbs and Daemon’s ability to teleport than how swampy her pants get when Daemon threatens her with violence.
Daemon holds Katy immobile and threatens to keep her under week-long house arrest unless she agrees to strip down and go swimming with him.
Daemon drags Katy into the uncharted wilderness, where he manipulates and threatens the shit out of her before disappearing into the lake (hopefully forever).
Katy swamps her bikini bottoms while held in Daemon’s wet hot alien embrace, and later begins the slow and difficult realization that there might possibly be something potentially supernatural going on with him, maybe.
Katy voluntarily secludes herself in the wilderness with Daemon AGAIN, where he helpfully points out a plot-important rocky outcrop nearby that OH SHIT BEAR.
Katy and Daemon almost bump their relationship up from Mutual Hatred to PASSIONATE SMOOCHES. Later, Dee begs Katy not to go out alone tonight, because the town’s lurking girlnapper might girlnap her.
Katy once again succumbs to misogynistic cultural conditioning, and is assaulted at length as a result; only the convenient arrival of Daemon’s inhumanly powerful biceps prevents her murder.
Katy’s discharged from the hospital into the tender care of Daemon’s arms. Later, she begins to wonder if maybe potentially there’s something a wee bit weird going on with the twins. AGAIN.
School starts, Daemon’s hotness is universally confirmed, and Daemon and Dee have a triplet brother who’s missing, presumed dead.
Katy lolingly ridicules the locals’ totally absurd superstition that there are nonhuman creatures in town, then anoints Douchebag Daemon and Asshole Ash with her spaghetti lunch.
Katy continues to prove herself the worst Paranormal Romance Heroine ever. Later, she decides that Daemon has a heart of gold under all his swoony manipulations and threats of violence.
Failing Heroine Katy continues her fourteen-chapter-long fail streak, and instead accidentally flings herself in the path of an oncoming truck-o-doom.
figures out has it spelled out for her (twice) that Daemon is an alien, and the info might’ve even registered.
Daemon infodumps about aliens for thirteen pages, then informs Katy that his people have powerful enemies who’ll want to torture her to pieces.
Dee and Daemon spend two more chapters infodumping about aliens.
Daemon opens up about his dead brother, a guy named Simon joins the book solely to make Daemon jealous, and Katy refuses to believe Daemon—whose thousands of suckers are permanently glommed onto her body—likes having her around.
22 & 23